Sexy Soldiers!
by Aloney-on-my-owny
Summary: Oprah is trying to take over the world! Only one sexy man and his team of sexy beasts can stop her. Call on Super Sexy Soldier Sexy Moon! A total spoof of SailorMoon, read at your own risk!
1. Moo, moo, Moon me!

Hello! Long time no write. (and i mean a LONG time. yeah) So, this totally crack filled story was actually written by my cousin, Rich. I'm just his super sexy editor. Anyways, this is a really random spoof off Sailor Moon, which we don't own, Naoko Takeuchi does. Any and all references to racism and being racist are purely for enjoyment, not to be rude, so if you don't mind it, then read on. Also, flames aren't too accepted, since everything inappropriate is for humor purposes only. So please, don't flame us, unless you REALLY, and I mean, REALLY, take offense.

Also, this story has corse language, so if you no like, no read. yeah. that's about it.

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Chapter 1: Moo, moo, Moon me!

Alone in his room Rich stared out at the full moon that night.  
"I wonder if the moon is really made out of cheese? Rich said with a heavy sigh.  
Licking his lips he fell asleep dreaming of being dipped into melted cheese, breaded and deep friend till golden brown.

The next morning came like a black woman after her husband who had been cheating with the milkman.

'What the hell? I almost found the beef!' Rich yelled to himself. School was just another worry to Rich, that and why drinking blue Hawaiian Punch makes your poop blue. It was just another unsolved mystery that couldn't be solved because it was unsolved since no one could solve it.

"Hmmm blue, blue like the sky, blue like the color of the liquid they pour into Maxi pad commercials. There has to be a connection to why my poop came out blue that one night."

Rich shook his head, slapped a baby and took a break from that question.  
Thinking too much caused him cramps, and it was a heavy flow day.

Rich didn't like school very much since he went to UCRG, the University of California, Really Ghetto. They didn't even have a football team, but then who would really like to see guys piled on top of each other and get dirty? (Other than David). Rich parked, and made his way to campus. He noticed that a strange little Asian man drinking milk was staring at him.

"Sweet cocoa Jesus, not another one staring at my goodies" Rich was a magnet for perverts, and large women with whips.  
Getting scared, and a little aroused Rich made a run for it to the bathroom to hide, because you know that sexy things never happen there.

Hiding in a stall he listened quietly. The creaking of the door caught his ear as it opened.

"I know that your in here, don't make it harder than it already is," the voice whispered.

"What the hell? Um, what am I making hard?" Rich asked.

The voice replied, "The chase, your making the chase hard."

'Oh, thats what's hard, or was it?' Rich thought.  
He didnt need another man pitching a tent in his pants then being asked if he wanted to go camping.

Rich decided that there was no point in hiding, and came out of the stall. His face was in shock when he laid eyes on the person talking. There was a cow standing there.

Rich thought to himself, 'Oh, the beef. That's where it was.'

The cows mouth moved, "Climb on top and Ill take you for a magical ride."

"I don't fall for that line anymore. Fooled me sixty-five times. Shame on me" Rich said.

The cow let out a large moo then Rich appeared on the cows back. His expression was that of a Chinese person, and the smell of baked goods. As they road off into the sky the cow explained what was going on. Apparently the world was going to be over run with little brown things that will destroy it slowly.

Rich shouted, "MEXICANS! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG!"

The cow turned and said, "No, its not them this time, its something worse. Oprah is getting married, and will have BABIES!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Rich's scream rang through out the world. He was crying for the world and the horrors that would transpire if Oprah was allowed to breed.

"But what can one sexy Asian guy do?" exclaimed Rich.

"You can save the world if you wish," cried the cow.

"But how? It's Oprah; she's like Jesus, all powerful, and a black woman."

"She can be defeated, and you will have to lead the battle," the beef said.

"All I can do is make fun of poor people, how will that help?" Rich sighed.

Unknownto Rich he was the reincarnation of the legendary moon princess.

"Moon Princess? Wait, I'm a guy!" Rich shouted.

"There have been some sexy changes, so you are now the Moon princess," the cow replied.

"Well I can be a Moon Prince then," Rich said with a smile.

"NO! MOON PRINCESS!" the cow shouted.

Apparently only the Moon Princess was allowed by the sexy universal laws. Rich was filled in on what his task was. He was to gather the other soldiers from the other planets as putting together their combined legendary power was to only way to stop Oprah from reproducing. She was stopped 500 years ago, but she awoke from her slumber once again.

"Wait! the moon isnt even a planet," he finally figured out.

"Well, its close enough," the beef replied.

"Shouldn't it be Earth Prince or something?" he thought.

"NO! MOON PRINCESS!" cow mooed out.

Rich didn't know how he had read his mind that moment. It must be because the cow makes milk and milk is magic, like the kind you find in a young girl's heart. Rich then decided that he must fight to protect the world so that he could destroy it himself later.

"OKAY! So what should I call you from now on," Rich said.

"Oh, sorry the name's Leche," responded the cow.

In an instant Leches horns started to turn bright red and lit up like sirens.

To Be Continued! Dun dun dun! Yeah.

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I will update whenever I have time. So bear with me. Anyway, comment if you like, cuz i like comments!


	2. Oprah's First Strike

RPF(me): Hola! Anyway, my cousin Rich and I don't own Sailor Moon.

Rich: Why the hell do they make us put up a disclaimer every freakin' time we post!

Leche: How the hell should I know?

RPF: Shut your asses, you two! If we don't, we will get locked up by scary brown men.

Rich: Ahhh! Scary brown men! runs away to go and eat Cheetos

Leche: sweatdrops Dumbass...

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Chapter 2: Oprah's First Move: Sexy Brown Popscicles!

It was an emergency; people were being attacked in the local park. They ran about screaming as they were covered in a sticky substance. The people eventually fell one by one. Except one man was left standing. It appeared to be one of those little Mexican men that sold ice cream in the little white push carts, and rings the bell.

"It's HIM! He's one of Oprah's minions. You have to defeat him!" shouted Leche.

"What can I do? All I have is my beautiful looks" Rich replied.

"Raise your hand and shout out, Full Moon POWER! MOON ME!" belted out Leche.

A puzzled Rich shouted, "Full Moon POWER! MOON ME!"

A flash of light surround him and he appeared in front of a full moon. With a wink and a slap on the ass he transformed into the Sexy Soldier of the Moon.

"Stop right there! In the name of the Moon, I, Sexy Moon, will punish you in every sexy possible way!" Moon shouted.

"QUE?" answered the brown person that sold ice cream to white children.

"Don't act like you don't understand me. I know that you know English," Moon huffed.

"Que?" said the ice cream peddler.

Moon got angry and went for the attack, but the man was little and brown like Speedy Gonzales and was very quick. The man ran like he was running across the border. As he ran he threw ice cream the distract Moon. It worked as Moon stopped to pick up some popsicles, and ate them like a porn star.

The man stopped in his steps and stared at the skills Moon had with the popsicle. Amazed at the skills that Moon possessed the brown man became enchanted. Moon finished the popsicle then licked off the remaining sticky juices off his lips. It was one of Moon's 108 secret techniques of seduction.

"Wow, that was the best I ever had. Let me taste your popsicles later," Moon cheerily said.

The brown man was still spellbound by how a guy could eat a popsicle like that and not even break a sweat.

"Well it's about time you got that punishment!" Moon said as he pointed at Speedy.

A large whip fell into his hands, and with a flick of the wrist the brown man's pantalones flew off. The Mexican man just looked down, smiled licked his lips and started running towards Moon with his ice cream cart, ringing the bells in sexual fury.

Moon screamed at the tops of his lungs, because when a brown person comes at you it can never be good. Leche watched in horror as he was powerless to help. Leche remembered how he was once attacked when he was younger by a bunch of brown people who tried to milk him while he was sleeping. He tried to explained that male cows didn't have that kind of milk, but they wouldnt listen.

"I can't run anymore, that Mexican popsicle gave me the runs!" Moon cried out.

"Si, muy es bien. You want a taste of my other popsicle Sexy Moon?" he snarled out.

"I knew it! You do know English!" Moon shouted in his sexy fury.

Moon had it with all the lies and raised his hand to crack the whip at the dirty little brown hombre. All the clothes all flew off, he stood there naked, aroused and powerless.

"WHITE OUT! Moon Cleansing!" Moon shouted as a bucket of bleach fell in his hands.

He splashed the brown man with it and cleansed him. The man shouted, and in flash of light, he transformed into a white man in a business suit.

"Thanks Sexy Moon! You changed me back! I was getting sick of eating beans," the cracker said, jumping with joy.

As Rich was being thanked by the man, a large shadow watching disappeared, leaving an empty bucket of Church's Chicken behind.

* * *

That's all for now! Will Rich and Leche defeat Oprah and her minions? Where the hell are the other Sexy Soldiers? Whta is a sexy Asian man to do? Find out next time, on Sexy Soldiers! 


	3. Flaming Fortune Bag of Cheetos

Its been three days since Rich defeated the brown man who was being controlled by Oprah's spell. Rich still could not locate any of the other sexy soldiers. Leche also had no idea on where to start looking.

"Why can you track them down? Don't you have any powers?" Rich sighed.

"What do you think I am? I'm a cow, so all I can do is make you milk," Leche responded.

"Milk aren't you a male cow?" said rich with a weird look.

"Yeah, boy cows also make milk. Duh." Leche smiled as he spoke.

"That is some nasty shit! No mas," responded a grossed out Rich.

"But I made you a glass full for breakfast!" Leche held up a large pitcher of white stuff.

Rich threw up in his mouth a little at that moment. Leche laughed and started to chase rich around his room with the pitcher of creamy man cow milk. Rich made a run for the door and got out of the house luckily. Looking back he saw Leche in the window shaking the pitcher and spilling some of the cow juice on himself. Rich couldn't go home for awhile.

It was the start of summer and Rich was too poor to afford taking summer classes at UCRG. So he decided to try and track down the next sexy soldier.

After walking for a short while he stumbled on a small little shop that he had never noticed before. The sign read "Madam Conchitas Fortune and Etc." A short line was formed at the door way. Rich thought that maybe he could track down the next member this way or if not he would get to laugh at a gypsy and how poor she was. Rich peeked into the small room.

"You will be killed by man named Sam by the end of the day," a woman with long black hair whispered as she looked into her crystal balls.

A frightened white woman listed to the news.

"No, no I thought I had gotten away when I moved the woman," said in horror.

"I'm sorry, but I am never wrong with my predictions," the gypsy said.

The white woman screamed in agony and ran out of the shop with tears running down her face. As she stopped to take a breath she had took a glace behind her and saw a white man with a ponytail wearing a hat walking towards her. Their eyes connected for a split second, and she let out a bloodcurdling cry before her head exploded into pieces.

'Not again, why does that always happen to me?' the white guy wondered, scratching his head as he walked away.

Rich was next in line behind a black man. The black man was large and Rich assumed that he had a large penis like he had heard that all black men had. If his penis was in a magazine it would have to be a fold out page that said at the bottom actual size. Rich gasped at the though, and had a sudden craving for a chocolate covered banana.

"I'm sorry, but we are closed now, please leave," the black haired woman said.

"HUH? The sign says you closed at six. It's only four!" he chocolate man said.

"Umm... Well I have a meeting and have to close early," she said with a shaky voice.

"Oh, okay I'll come back tomorrow then. Have a nice day, Wesley Snipes said.

Just as he walked out the door and it closed the gypsy shouted, "Next please!" Rich wasn't sure what just happened.

"I though you were closing?" Rich questioned.

"Oh, only when black people come in. Did you see how he tried to start trouble!" whispered the gypsy.

"What trouble? He didn't even do anything!" Rich replied.

"It was all in his eyes, I could tell that he wanted to rip my clothes off and take me right here on this table then leave me right after with out even calling later, then leaving me with pregnant with a child and not paying child support!" he long haired woman quickly said.

Rich looked closer at the gypsy and noticed that she wasn't really a woman but a guy with long black hair and glasses.

"Hey, you're a dude!" Rich shouted and pointed to the guy's eyebrows.

"When did I ever say I was a woman? I get that all the time. You don't know how many times guys tried to pick me up!" he replied as he flicked his hair, which the wind blew. Even though there was no breeze as they were inside and the windows were closed.

He then looked up and said,

"Hi, I'm Chris. I'm just working part time to pay for my addiction."

"Addiction? What is it, crackwhores? Gay animal porn?" Rich asked.

"No, no it"s worse than that, it's manga," Chris whispered.

Rich gasped and pointed at Chris with his finger shaking, "You monster!" Rich ran out of the shop without getting his fortune told. He shivered at the though of such an addiction.

Rich's stomach started to rumble, and as it did people fell over. He rubbed his stomach and let out a large fart. Apparently forgetting that he was out in public. A loud car crash and the screams of people rang throughout the city.


	4. It's Getting Hot, Hot, HOT!

Rich just weakly laughed and walked pass the dead bodies. He caught the glimpse of a man at a stand selling churros. Rich liked the brown people's treat that he has had once when he was a small Asian child. The memories flooded through his mind like a bathroom toilet after Oprah used it. Rich skipped over to the churro stand with a large smile while waving.

Rich shouted out, "Ahoy-hoy Miguel. I'll take eighteen churros please."

The brown man responded, "Sure, and the name is Chuck."

"Well, Chuck. Shut the fuck up and give me my brown sugar sticks!"

"There is no need for name calling," Chuck grumbled as he handed him the churros.

Rich took a bite of one and suddenly he started to gasp for air as he fell to the ground. The brown man chuckled as he shook the churros in Rich's beautiful face. The shaking churros covered Rich in sugar and cinnamon, making him into a human churro.

"My friend, you will make me the most pesos when I sell you to Mistress Oprah," Chuck chuckled as he licked a large brown churro.

Was this the delicious end of Rich and his sexy journey? Of course not, even though it would be a good way to die in a sugar, cinnamon covered death.

Suddenly a figure appeared in the distance. Her long flowing black hair blew in the gentle summer breeze. Chuck looked up in amazement.

"My, what a beautiful senora! You must become my bean dip for my love chip," the horny Gonzales said as he put a churro in his mouth and bit off the tip.

"I'm not a woman! Even though I am more beautiful than any woman. Ho, ho, ho!" Chris laughed as he placed his hand over his mouth.

"But what can you do, Mi amor? You are too beautiful to hit, so I will just tap it," Chuck said in a dirty voice while rubbing a churro against his nipple.

"No, no you must not soil my beautiful body with you working class hands." Chris shook his finger naughtily.

In an instant the churro dipper flew at Chris knocking him off his feet, pinning him down to the ground. Chris was caught off guard, and didn't know what to do. He was no match over the horny mans strength. All the grape picking gave him super brown sugar strength. Chris closed his eyes and though of all the manga that he had not yet read. A single tear fell from his eye.

Chris couldn't let it end this way as he thought, not in the hands of a little brown man.

A loud moo could be heard in the distance as Leche flew to the rescue.

"Shout out, Flaming Mars POWER! TOASTY!" Leche yelled.

"I am not yelling that out, I'd rather die!" Chris smirked.

Only to see the horny look on the face of brown churro Chuck.

"Flaming Mars POWER! TOASTY!" Chris screamed out.

Flames started to engulf Chris' body. He stood in front of a hot Cheeto bag and with a wink and a flick of the hair he was transformed.

"I am the sexy soldier of passion, Sexy Mars! Prepare to feel the burn!"

Chuck only laughed and came at Mars with his Nun-Churro-Chucks. Mars whipped his hair out for a fiery hair whiplash attack, but the churro-chucks blocked the attack. Chris was running out of ideas. Leche told Chris to believe in the flaming ways.

Chris nodded and shouted, "It's Getting, Hot, Hot, HOT!" Magical maracas appeared in his hand and with each shake fireballs flew smashing into Chuck and his churro cart. Chuck screamed and was burned into a crisp, leaving only his burnt churro chucks behind. Chris ran over to churro covered Rich.

"Hi, Rich! Are you okay?" Chris said with a smile.

"The hell? I was having such sweet diabetic dreams, why'd you wake me?" Rich grunted.

* * *

Rich: Oprah's wedding is now only a few more months away, and she will marry Bill Gates soon. The apocalypse is now approaching, but will the Sexy Soldiers be able to stop her? Or will I be too lazy to type more stories? What will come first?

Find out next time on Sexy Soldiers!


	5. Thuc's Noodle Shack Attack

It's been a few days since Rich started working at Madam Conchitas Fortune and Etc. It turns out that you didn't need any special powers to make money in this business. The only thing you needed were people dumb enough to pay for fortunes that got pulled out of a giant black woman's ass, and the blacker with a thicker accent the better.

"I have to make some lemonade, I'll be back in a minute!" Rich told Chris.

Rich had been working all day and had to pee so bad, if he held it any longer he would of burst into golden showers for all to enjoy. Since he didn't like giving showers away for free he decided to use the can. Rich ran in and kicked open the stall door. A giant scream rang out for the stall.

"How dare you coming crashing in!" Leche hissed out.

"Huh? When did cows start using toilets? Don't you just take a dump on the ground?" Rich asked puzzled.

"Who do you think I am? I am a civilized cow.. Plus I got a ticket last time I did that out in public." Leche blushed as he spoke.

"Why would you get a ticket? You are a cow and cows crap on the ground, then people use that crap in the their vegetable gardens," replied Rich.

Leche explained his adventure. "Well, I was in line at KFC when I suddenly burst and made a little accident. I swear I didnt do it on purpose. It must have been that restaurant I went to earlier.. What was it called again? Thuc's Noodle Shack Attack I think it was, and boy was it an attack. It was like a mudslide and no one survived. Luckily I wasn't charged with manslaughter because only black people died and a few Mexicans. The white manager managed to ride a brown person to safety."

Rich's face turned bright red. "Did you say Thuc's Noodle Shack Attack? I ate there for lunch!Oh, no I don't feel so sexy..."

Rich jumped into the stall with Leche and slammed the door closed. Only the screams of Leche could be heard.

'Hmmm, I guess Rich ate at that new noodle shop I recommended,' Chris laughed to himself as he brushed his hair and read his manga on magical hair brushing girls.

"Um, excuse me? Ive been waiting for my fortune for over an hour. When are you going to tell my fortune?" A large chocolate woman angrily yelled at Chris.

"Who let you in! I predict you will be arrested!" Chris said.

"What child? Na, uh you can't prove I stabbed that white woman behind Church's Chicken, so you got nothing on me," Chocolate woman snapped back.

"Or Can I?" Chris sneered back.

Chris pulled out some pepper spray and shot her right in the face. To his astonishment it had no effect.

"Do you know who I am little girl? I am THE OPRAH!" She bellowed out.

The room shook as Oprah laughed and slapped her belly.

"So you are the ones who have been trying to stop my wedding. You will never succeed as I will make the world mine. I'll let you live for now to entertain me." She exploded into a pile of chocolate pudding, and was gone in an instant. Rich came into the room to see all of the pudding all over the walls and ceiling. He turned red again and went running back into the restroom.

"Where is a Mexican to clean when you need them?" Chris sighed as he sat there covered in Oprah's cocoa love sauce.

A figure in a school uniform walked down a small alley between the fortune shop.

"I cant be late again or mama's gonna beat me like she does daddy. I guess I'll take this shortcut for today," the guy said to himself.

It was getting dark now and he tried to hurry home. He was getting a little scared from not really knowing the area well. He had to stay after school and retake an oral test he had missed. The oral test took far longer and was much, much, much harder than he would ever thought it would have ever been, but he took it like a trooper.

"I can't believe I took it like that and was still able to walk after," he continued.

He started to smile and continued walking through the alley. Some rustling came from behind the dumpster. Suddenly someone jumped out.

"HI! I'm Graham! YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS? WHAT'S YOUR NAME!"

Ummits Davy Davy weakling said before he screamed and ran off into the distance.

Sam just scratched his head and skipped off to look for more friends. He smiled at a cat walking by and it exploded in an instant. Sam looked down and walked onwards.

"I can't believe I just saw a white person. Mama was right, those people are scary and not very pretty looking," Davy thought to himself and he started to make a dash for home.

Running he crashed into someone. Davy slowly looked up to see an Asian guy dressed in black holding a giant whip with a big smile on his face. Davy couldn't move a muscle, except the one in his pants.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do we have here? A new toy for me to play with?" the guy chuckled.

"Umm, yes," Davy replied quietly.

"My, aren't we eager? I guess I will play for a bit then." The guy started to unbutton his clothes while he licked his lips.

Davy was still frozen on the ground watching in awe.

"HOLD IT!"

A voice shouted from the fire escape from above.

"I won't allow you to take the pure hearts of innocent little horny boys!" Sexy Moon shouted as he shook his finger at the black clothed figure. Chris sat in the backround, reading a manga.

"I'm just here cause I didn't feel like going home yet," replied Chris.

"Why didn't you transform? We must save that innocent untouched school boy!" Moon questioned.

"I think you can handle it, I'll help out later if I feel like it," Chris said as he brushed his hair and looked into his mirror.

"Perfection is such a burden" Chris giggled as he looked in his hand mirror.

* * *

What will become of Davy? Who is the Asian dude with the whip? Will Chris get off his fat ass? Next time on Sexy Soldiers!

"Chilly Willies!"


	6. Dirty Dan Dan Chan

Moon decided to take on the guy in black himself. The figure just smiled and flew at Moon, knocking him into the brick wall. Moon was now pissed as a brick wall hurts.

"Do you think you have the skills to play with me? Dirty Dan Dan Chan is more than you can take!" Dirty Dan taunted.

"I can take it like no one else can!" Moon shouted.

"**GASP!**" both Davy and Chris said together.

Rich ran towards Dirty Dan but he twirled and evaded Moon's attack. Moon let out a White Out, Moon Cleansing, but it was deflected and changed course, hitting a black hobo, and turned him into a postal worker. Dirty Dan let his whip crack, and caught Moon. Now Sexy Moon was tangled in the whip as Dirty Dan pulled him in closer.

"My, you didn't struggle much did you? Its hard to get my juices flowing with you?" Dan chuckled in Moon's face.

Davy started to stand up with Chris' help. He was red all over and shaking.

"I though we had something special! I'll never forgive you!" Davy shouted.

Leche came flying in and shot his milk, cutting the whip. Leche tossed something at Davy.

"What is this? It looks like a sex toy. Do I use it like this?" Davy started to unzip his pants.

Leche screamed. "NO! Sweet milk maidens, not there, Raise it into the air and shout out Nippy Mercury Power! TASTY FREEZE!"

Leche looked back down to Davy and saw that he was now licking the transformation stick in ways that rivaled Moon's popsicle technique. Chris slapped Davy upside the head and told him to transform.

Davy raised the stick and shouted out, "Nippy Mercury Power! TASTY FREEZE!"

Ice started to swirl around Davy and he transformed and posed with an ice cream, then he took a single lick of the ice cream and winked.

"How dare you toy with a young boy's heart Dirty Dan! In the name of Sexy Mercury, you shall be punished all night long with no safety words!"

"Oh, now we can play for real. Can you handle all of this?" Dirty Dan said to Mercury while licking the tip of his whip.

"I can handle a black man! An Asian man is nothing, I can take four of them at the same time," Mercury responded.

Everyone was in shock at what they just heard. Mercury just blushed and snapped his fingers and two ice trays popped out. He kissed each tray and they filled up with ice. Sexy Mercury slapped the trays on his ass to loosen up the ice and then flung them at Dirty Dan. The ice cubes didn't do much except hit Dan in the head a few times and annoy him.

"You may have beaten me this time, but I'll be back with new toys!" Dan shouted while drying his hair with a blow dryer he pulled out from his crotch area. Dan disappeared in a flash of rainbows. Sexy Mercury picked up an ice cubed and started to rub it over his body slowly as he moaned in pleasure.

"That was a tough battle, and this is the best way to cool down!" Davy whispered to himself.

* * *

Sexy Mercury has been found, but what about the others? The search contiues, next time on Sexy Soldiers!

"Dananas! Work It!"


	7. Dananas! Work it!

Three members of the Sexy Soldiers have been found but there are still more that must be discovered if they want to put a stop to Mistress Oprah. Davy has now taken a part time job at Madam Conchita's fortune telling shop. He's become the most popular in the category of white males from 35-85yrs. It didn't matter since the place was making bank and they could set up a new karaoke machine for weekends. It was about lunch time and Davy decided to take a break from the crowd.

"Hmm, what I should I eat today? A boy has to watch his weight nowadays." Davy smiled and pulled out a Danana from the fridge.

"They taste better when frozen." Davy kissed the tip of the Danana and it suddenly turned hard as a rock.

Rich turned to see what all the noise was and noticed a giant crowd around a table. Chris was making a single filed line as he collected money from the old white men.

"What's going on here?" Rich questioned Chris.

"What does it look like? I'm selling tickets to the best show since Roseanne!"

Chris smiled and pointed to a person sitting at the head of the table. Rich made his way through the crowd only to see Davy eating his Danana. Davy was apparently enjoying his lunch and so was the crowd.

"The hell do you think your doing!"Rich shouted and pointed. "This is how you eat it!"

Rich grabbed a big pop from the freezer and let loose one of his 108 secret techniques: The Art of Licking Long Hard Objects.

"NO WAY! THIS is how you do it!" Davy licked his Danana like a hungry school girl on a hot summer day in the middle of Africa while riding an elephant.

"You little slut! You dare challenge me!"

Rich turned red in anger and pulled out another big pop and began to work them at the same time.

The crown was now cheering and hollering for more. Chris fanned himself with the money he made form ticket sales.

"All in a _hard _days work!" Laughing as he kissed the money and giggled.

"Hey, this one's pretty too! Lets make him lick things!" one of the giant hairy white men said as he approached Chris. Six men now surrounded Chris pulling out various objects and shaking them in his face. His screams could not be heard over the roar of the crowd around Davy and Rich.

"What's going on here? Get back to work!" belted out Madam Conchita (a husky brown woman that looked like a crackwhore who ran out of crack) standing in the middle of the room.

"Madam Conchita! A little help please!" Chris shouted from the corner.

"Are they paying customers?" Conchita questioned.

"Well, yeah," Chris weakly replied.

"Then let them do as they please. Oh yeah, my nephew is going to be arriving in a bit. Send him to me when he arrives." Conchita scratched her ass and walked back into her office.

Suddenly the ground began to shake like there was a stampede of white women at a K-mart blue light special. The crowd of men began to run out the door, but were all blown away by a whirlwind of what seemed to be money.

"Ho, Ho, Ho What do we have here?"

* * *

Well, nothing much that's new, but I will be trying to put up my illustrations ASAP. Believe me, they are super sexy! Anyway, please comment!


	8. Monnay and Rainbow Skittles

The three guys ran out to the front of the shop to see what was the commotion. A little Asian girl was standing there with a hand on her hip while the other was fanning her face with a wad of money.

"Are you the ones that Dan Dan Chan was talking about? You don't look that tough to me. Can you handle my $1000 high heel boots of death?" She boasted while striking a pose white flicking her long hair into the wind.

"What? Who do you think your talking to? These boots cost $1050!" Chris pulled up his pants to reveal black boots covered with diamonds.

"How dare you! Try to match Quinn C. (C Cash) Monnay. You ugly women you!" Quinn pointed to Chris.

"Who are you calling ugly!" Chris shot back.

Quinn reached into her large Prada purse and pulled out rolls of bill and began to toss them at the three. Each roll exploded and sent razor sharp Benjamins flying all around. The three jumped out of the way and pulled out their transformation wands. Rich and Chris looked at Davy waiting for him to pull his out. Davy dropped his pants and pulled out the wand from where the sun didn't shine. Everyone just paused for a second and stared.

"I didn't want to loose it. This way I always know where it is," Davy said.

"Now is not the time to talk about how we use are wands for other things," Rich quickly said. The three held up there wands to transform.

"FULL MOON POWER! MOON ME!"

"FLAMING MARS POWER! TOASTY!"

"NIPPY MERCURY POWER! TASTY FREEZE"

In a flash the three transformed and jumped at Quinn C. Monnay. Mercury reached her first, he slapped his ass and his magical ice trays of justice popped into his hands.

"ICY TREATS!" Sexy Mercury let loose his ice cubes of mild fury.

A few ice cubs fell to the ground in front of him. Mercury looked down then let out a weak smile. Quinn laughed and bitch slapped him with a wad of money and sent him flying into a large black woman. The woman began to chase Mercury, shaking her large ham hocks at him in fury for knocking the chicken out of her mouth.

"CHEESE WHEEL OF FORTUNE!" Sexy Moon formed a large wheel of cheese with each wedge having a picture of them all.

"What ever the arrow points at will explode! Ha ha, beat that!"

Rich laughed as he spun the wheel. It spun and spun landing on the large black woman who was chasing Sexy Mercury. The large black woman screamed and exploded into a pile of press on nails and hair extensions.

"You two have some useless powers don't you?" Mars responded.

"HOT PLATE!" Mars did a motion with his hands and then a hot plate landed in his hands, burning him.

"Who has the useless powers now!" Moon pointed at Mars' burned hands.

Mars just kissed his hands. Mercury ran over to aid Mars.

"ICY TREATS!" An ice cube fell into Mars' hand.

"That should do the trick!" Mercury smiled, feeling like he had done something useful.

Seeing an opening Quinn C. Monnay let loose a roll of bills and caught the three Sexy Soldiers, who were wrapped up together.

A rainbow appeared and with a flash skittles fell from the sky. A little brown boy appeared licking his lips.

"My, my, what do we have here Quinn C.?" the brown guy asked.

"Warren G. I got you some new play toys!" Quinn C. giggled.

"Yum, I don't know where to start, but why did you get me a girl?" Warren G. (G gay) said puzzled.

Quinn responded, "Well, it's really a guy, just look closer."

"I'll have a physical later to make sure," Warren G. said as he walked over to the three tied up Sexy Soldiers.

"AHHH! TAKE DAVY! HE LIKES IT LIKE THAT!" Moon screamed in horror.

"Hey! Even I have some standards," Mercury said in his defense.

Warren G. turned red, but you couldn't really tell cause he was so brown.

"HOW DARE YOU! How can you refuse the pleasures of my brown coconut colored flesh!" Warren G. yelled.

The three looked at each other and threw up a little in their mouths. What were they to do now? How could they get out from Quinn C. Monnay's Cash Capture? Warren G. had now become super bitchy from being rejected three times at once. Warren G. snapped his fingers rapidly and began shooting rainbow colored skittles at the three. They didn't really fly that fast so instead of doing any damage it was more of an annoyance.

"Damn, he's so powerful! What can we do?" Mercury began to cry out in annoyance.

"I didn't think someone could have such useless powers like you Mercury." Mars laughed and he got skittles stuck in his hair.

In the distance a shadow could be seeing coming. It looked like a person was riding a donkey. It was some brown guy wearing a sombrero and holding a jar of green salsa.

"Hi, can you tell me where Madam Conchitas Fortunes and Etc. is?" the guy asked Warren G.

* * *

Who's the guy with the snazzy green salsa? What's up with Warren G.? Why am I still posting these things? Oh well. Next Time on Sexy Soldiers:

"Super Spicy Jalapeno Zestyness!"


	9. Super Spicy Jalapeno Zestyness

The mysterious brown guy had snuck up on Warren G, who screamed like a girl, throwing up his skinny brown hands in the air.

"The hell is wrong with you? You're STUPID! I don't like you!" the mystery guy snapped.

"'Whatever,' you delicious cup of flan you, more like 'SMART'!" Warren G. laughed fanning himself in amusement as he though that his jokes were funny.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALAN!" A scream rang from Conchita in the door way of the store.

"Hi, Aunty Conchita, you have some liquid churro for me?" Alan said rubbing his stomach and patting his donkey on the ass.

"Tony Tony Santos and I have been waiting for a taste of your cinnamon white milk for ages," he cheerily said, taking off his poncho and sombrero.

"I'll trade you for some of mama's green salsa and a couple tamales abuela made today," Alan said trying to bargain.

"STUPID! This isn't the time! You must help you teammates fight to save the world from falling in the black hands of domination. Now take this and transform!"

Conchita tossed a wand to Alan, who caught it in his sombrero.

"What is this? A long jalapeño?" Alan nibbled on the end of it.

"STUPID! Raise it in the air and shout out, SPICY JUPITER POWER! ZESTY!" Conchita yelled out.

"It's not very zesty or spicy Aunty Conchita," Alan replied as he tried to take a bite out of the wand.

No one really paid attention to the two brown people talking.

Quinn and Warren were about to give the final strike to the three Sexy Soldiers with their combined attack, Rainbow Colored Money of the World. They threw their hands into the air and it started to rain money and skittles. The money changed colors are were about to strike.

"SPICY JUPITER POWER! ZESTY!" Alan yelled out, interrupting Quinn C and Warren G. and stopping them in their tracks.

A flash of green light and Sexy Jupiter was born, he struck a pose as a giant jalapeño fell behind him and exploded with flavor.

"Sexy Soldier of Spiciness, Sexy Jupiter will explode in you mouth!" Sexy Jupiter gave his speech and let out his signature attack.

"Jalapeño Shock Poppers!" Delicious breaded covered cheeses jalapenos flew at Warren G and exploded around him, setting his soul ablaze with the spicy taste of defeat. Warren G. went flying into Quinn C. knocking her to the ground. She lost her hold and the Sexy Soldiers broke free.

"WARREN! Do you know how much this dress cost? $6500! OH MY GOD, how are you going to pay for it? Don't say with your body cause that wouldn't even bu you a stick of gum!" Quinn C. shouted in anger.

"Oh, no you didn't, love me long time girl. I am a delicate rose growing on the stem of sexiness spreading the world with my man scent," Warren G eyes sparkled and he held a rose in his brown lips.

Sexy Jupiter got annoyed at Warren and threw spicy jalapenos in his face.

"Ahhh! My beautiful brown eyes! They burn like a virgins first time!" Warren G. moaned in zesty pleasurable pain and disappeared in a shower of rainbow skittles.

Quinn C was still trying to get the dirt off her new dress, Sexy Mars decided that she will never come close to his richness and she needed to be punished.

"Heat Proof MITTENS!" Mars yelled, and a pair of mittens fell onto his hands.

"What is that going to do? You gonna slap her with them?" Moon wondered.

"HOT PLATE FURY!" Mars yelled, but this time he was prepared and he caught the hot plate with ease and tossed it at Quinn C. The money around her caught on fire, and so did her coat.

"AHHH! Do you know how much that was? ITS REAL FUR! $8400!" Quinn C. disappeared in a whirlwind of money, which also caught on fire as she left.

* * *

Mmmm, I like jalapenos. But anyway, Sexy Jupiter has been found, and the Sexy Soldiers have thwarted another of the Mistress Oprah's Evil Plans. What will happen next? Find out on Sexy Soldiers!

"Chinese Babies, Tony Tony Santos, and Fried Rice"


	10. Chinese Babies and Tony Tony Santos

The three Sexy Soldiers all gather around Madam Conchita as she introduced her nephew who was also Sexy Jupiter. He had left his home in New Mexico to come live and train with his aunt to take over her store one day. Not the fortune shop but her taco stand across the street called "Conchita's Crusty Taco", with her famous brown cheese.

"Why didn't Leche come and save us like he usually does?" Chris asked Rich.

"He had an audition for a new horror movie called "Cows in a Classroom," Rich remembered Leche mentioning it the other night.

A cow wearing pink sunglasses and a scarf came running.

"I got the part! I'm going to be a star! People will beg for a taste of my man cow milk, with all the vitamins and nutrients like protein," Leche exclaimed, as he turned to Tony Tony Santos.

"What are you doing here? What happened to you playing the sax in your band?" Leche questioned the brown donkey boy, that smelt like a fresh cooked chimichanga.

"Bro, it didn't work out. They weren't ready for a brown guy with such skills. My music was so good that women would explode in their seats, even a few men..." Santos said with an arousing tone.

The two were former buddies in the entertainment industry back in the old days. Leche left their old band to get back to his passion with acting and saving the earth.

"Lets go inside and Ill tell you all about the new movie Cows in a Classroom, its about this small town that is experimented on by the government and how the farm cows rebel and take the children of the town hostage. The cows want revenge for the cows who had been milked, and demand to milk the humans or will destroy the world!" Leche continued to tell the rest of the story as the day light faded into night.

'Seriously, who wants to milk a human? Huh? Who the hell does that?' Santos wondered until his head hurt, and he stumbled into Madam Conchitas prized crystal balls.

"STUPID! You're busting my balls! Crazy ass!" Conchita shouted as she chased Santos around the room while shaking her taco at him. (Not the good kind of taco)

Another day was saved, but how long could they keep this up? One Sexy Soldier was left until the final battle was to take place for the world's peace. But who was it that they were looking for?

* * *

In the middle of a large room covered in gold and jewels lay Mistress Oprah on her cheetah print silk sheets, as she watched the battle that had taken place. Her face became twisted and she spat out her chocolate covered mashed potatoes and fried chicken.

"HAHAHA! So they even managed to defeat two of my generals at the same time. I will have to punish them later," she spoke to herself as she was being fed grapes by her lover Bill Gates.

"Billy! I'm so upset that I could almost not eat small chocolate covered Cuban babies deep fired in chicken grease and rolled in coconut," Oprah pouted.

"There there, my larger than life burnt toast of a woman you. Daddy has a new present for you. I just got her mail ordered from China," Bill cooed, soothing her fat soul and pointed to a large crate brought into the room.

"She is the newest bootlegged model made from the best Chinese children that there is. OPEN THE CRATE!" Bill shouted to the two henchmen.

The crate lid exploded off knocking the henchmen out the window into the moat that had just been filled with hungry African babies that Oprah had shipped over. The Chinese babies were in the back making her moo moos and Nikes. A rush of fried rice spilled out from the crate, two small slanted eyes glowed red from the inside of the crate.

"MAMA LIKE, MAMA LIKE!" Oprah shouted and clapped her ham hock hands.  
Mistress Oprah was clearly delighted in her new toy and was ready to play. She clapped her hands and her three generals came running in and bowed at her large brown Vienna sausage looking feet.

"Yes, our large and lovely Mistress of the Hershey," The three relied all at once.

Mistress Oprah snapped her fingers and the figure in the crate stepped out slowly. It was an Chinese woman with shoulder length hair and eyes that pierced like needles in a hobo's ass as he waited in line to get a free meal on Thanksgiving day in the cool autumn breeze.

"Hi, me Isella. How may I serve you today?" Isella spoke in a soft voice, but she didn't do very well in English class so her English was limited and was amusing to listen to.

Oprahs lips moved, "My my, I think Oprah will love you very long time. Dan Dan Chan, take her out tomorrow and lets see what her Asianness can do.

"Yes, as you wish Mistress, with a chocolate covered heart filled with cherries," Dan replied with a smile.

* * *

He, the Large and Lovely Mistress of the Hershey! That's hilarious. Anyway... Yeah. Isella seems like she shall be a threat, huh? Well, you'll find out, next time on Sexy Soldiers!

"Mayo and Yum Yum Tacos"


	11. Mayo and Yum Yum Tacos

"TACOS! TACOS! TASTE CONCHITA'S CRUSTY TACOS!" Alan shouted while shaking tacos, scaring the white people as they walked by on the sidewalk.

Alan wondered why he wasn't selling any of the tacos, and began to get frustrated over the low sales for the day. Apparently, instead of working at the fortune shop, Alan was instead put to work at Conchita's taco cart across the street. He was only allowed in the shop after hours to clean.

"This is STUPID! I'm not making any pesos!" He yelled out loud, a few rich people looked at him and threw some coins at him. Alan pulled a gun from under his sombrero

"The hell you think I am? Give me your purse and wallet you salty crackers! NOW!" Alan resorted back to the days when he use work at El Pollo Loco. The white people let out a scream and tossed their money and ran off down the street

"Honey, what was that all about? He spoke English!" Said random white woman.

"Darling, I can not believe it either. I was scared that he was going to touch me," White guy replied as he tried to catch his breath.

"Shouldn't he be making Chinese food or something? White woman wondered.

A strange sound could be heard making its was to the couple. It sounded like stray cats in heat as they fell into a garbage disposal. Suddenly the couple turned around to the absolute whiteness of a scary white fellow.

"HI! I'm Sammy! You want to be friends? I'll even sing you a song" Sammy said with a large smile that only a mother could hate.

"OH my GOD! What is it!" The white couple shouted in horror and tried to run away, but it was all too late as they had directly made eye contact with Sammy. In an instant the couple exploded into a pool of mayonnaise. The entire side walk was covered in the white stuff (not the good kind).

"Oh, no! Why do they always turn out this way?.. Ohhh mayo!" Sammy got out his mayo jar and filled it to the top with the creamy white stuff.

"I can't let it go to waste!" he exclaimed as he started to lick it off the sidewalk and the windows of the stores. His face was now covered in it the gooey white mess.

"Wow! It's true it does taste better freshly made" Sammy having had his full skipped down the street.

He spotted the taco cart that Alan was working at. Sammy waved, smiled and licked off the remaining mayo from his top lip.

"Sorry but I'm not selling what your looking for" Alan said in a hurry.

"Huh? I'm looking for tacos" Sammy responded puzzled.

"Well I guess this is the only kind of taco you're going to be filling your face with anytime soon." Alan responded as he whipped up a crusty Conchita taco.

"That's going to be $2.50" Alan said holding his hand out.

"Hold on let me count my money first" Sammy said before slamming on the cart a giant can filled with coins. The pile of coins poured all over the cart and Sammy started to count the pennies one by one. Alan's face turned red, but you couldn't really tell cause it was so brown.

"STUPID! Are you serious? You going to pay with that?" Alan now pissed off.

After two hours passed and Sammy miscalculating four or five times he finally responded.

"Um, I have $2.49, is that okay?" Sammy asked looking hungry and about to die from hunger.

"HELL NO! what kind of taco cart do you think I'm running? I should charge you a cracker tax on top of it" Alan snapped back after waiting all day for the money.

"Hey don't be mad that your mom ran off with your brother and sold you for a bag of oranges from the Mexican man on the side of the street." Sammy responded hungry and horny.

"Excuse me? She got a bag of oranges, strawberries and a bouquet of flowers! Thank you." Alan proudly replied back.

"GIVE ME YOUR YUM YUM TACOS!" Sammy went crazy with hunger screamed out.

The two started to wrestle over the taco in the middle of the street. Cars crashed and white women screamed because they thought they saw a black man, and thought of how big it would be.

"Wow! Have you ever been with a black man?" Chrissie asked.

"OMG! Don't even talk about it. White women can't handle those things. Just thinking about it makes me feel like a dirty girl" Ashley giggled out.

"Don't even go there, you are such a slut!" Chrissie yelled back.

"I am so not one! Fine, to prove it I'll sleep with three white guys. That will prove it" Ashley yelled back.

"OMG! You are so not a slut then. Can I watch?" Chrissie asked.

"Well yeah, what friends wouldn't let the other watch and make DVDs and sell them on EBay?" Ashley questioned.

"Not the good ones anyway" Chrissie squealed and the two hugged.

Alan and Sammy continued to wrestle in the street, people were now in a circle around the two placing bets.

"What is going on here? This is a place of sexy business" Rich said to the Alan.

"What can a boy like me do? Davy questioned.

His eyes lighted up like slanted lamps and he ran off back to the fortune shop and returned with ice trays.

"What are you going to do with that Davy? Chris asked with a puzzled look, but really deep inside he knew what Davy was going to do with them.

"Oh my! It's so hot out today. What am I going to do? These ice cubes will get me through the day." Davy said in a small voice as he started to lick the ice cubes and let out moans of slight pleasure. The cubes melted on his lips and the crowd went silent as they were hypnotized by the sigh.

"You are such a slut! You slut." Rich said with a smirk.

"Wow Ashley, now that is a slut" Chrissie said.

Rich not wanting to be out done ran back to the shop to get his wheel of cheese.

"Chris, you know what to do" Rich said quickly.

Chris used his powers and warmed up the cheese and gave it back to Rich.

"Let me show you how a pro does it Davy" Rich said as he jumped into the melted cheese and began to roll around in it.

"Nachos anyone?" Rich asked as he licked some cheese off his finger.

"Get your chips here! Jalapenos are extra! Alan was now back at his cart as a line started to form. Davy got upset and made the cheese freeze up again, trapping Rich.

* * *

Ha, frozen in cheese, and super tasty Yum Yum Tacos! Lolz. yeah. i dunno why i bother with thesem but whatever. Comment me! Also, we will be haviing a segment where the various Sexy Soldiers will be answering your various questions. yeah. send em in!


	12. Naughty Nurse Moon Maidens!

Screams from the crowd erupted and the people began to scatter all over. It was Dirty Dan Dan Chan with Asian inspired assassin Isella.

"Why wasn't I invited to the show? I'm hurt like a virgin's first time!" Dan replied.

"I come to America to make you all suffer long time," Isella said as she stamped her boot to the ground. A little Asian man puppet popped out from under her skirt.

"This Phi Phi, he play with you long time," Isella laughed out loud as Phi Phi went flying towards Chris and Davy. The two managed to jumped out of the way but Chris wasn't looking and jumped into a little brown man.

"I have never seen such a beautiful goddess such as you!" Hector the Brown Man said in awe.

"Huh? Yes, I am beautiful, but you couldn't afford this love," Chris said as he flicked his long black hair that shimmered in the fading daylight.

"But Mi Amour, I have a chain of ice cream carts and many people selling the flowers on the sidewalk in front of the exit ramp of the freeway!" Hector pleaded.

"Hmm… NO! I cannot live a life such as that. Plus, I do not enjoy the touch of such brown hands that have been soiled by hard labor work" Chris exclaimed.

Hector now heart broken screamed in fury, "You will never leave me! I shall have you forever or until my work visa expires and I get deported!".

Hector leaped at Chris pinning him down against his chestnut brown skin that was covered in passionate sweat. The scent of freshly made tamales and tequila filled the air in their embrace. Chris was over powered by Hector's brown strength, which was acquired from all the grape picking in the fields. Meanwhile David had transformed and was trying to stop the advances of Dan Dan Chan, but it was more like Dan Chan was trying to get away from Sexy Mercury.

"Danny CHAN! Take me shopping! Please, we can get matching whips," Mercury begged.

"Um.. I have to work this weekend, um… so I can't," Dirty Dan weakly replied as he started to back up.

"Why do you fight our love? Am I not good enough for you? Does my passion not reach your love muscle?" Sexy Mercury fell to his knees and began to sob.

Dan Dan kneeled next to him and put his hand on Mercury's shoulder, trying to comfort him. Their beady Asian eyes finally met.

"This is BULLSHIT! I like cheese, but not to be frozen it in!" Rich yelled as he burst from his cheesy prison. He transformed and was not in a sexy mood as usual.

"How do you like it?! Take this! NAUGHTY NURSE MOON MAIDENS!" Sexy Moon's call was heard and his nurses came running out.

The nurses jumped at Dan and Mercury and wrapped the two together in bandages. They couldn't move and inch.

"Yay! Thanks Moon!" Mercury cheered.

"What? You're suppose to be uncomfortable and mildly annoyed!" Moon pouted.

"No, that would be me," Dan said with a sigh.

Meanwhile General Isella was attacking Sexy Jupiter and Moon. Jupiter's attacks had no effect on Isella, since each time he let lose his attack Moon would eat them before they reached Isella.

"You know that you not suppose to eat them, right?" Jupiter said to Moon.

Moon looked back and said, "You know that these are good, right?".

Jupiter now curious in the taste and curious in other things :wink: took a bite out of his Jalapeno Shock Poppers. He was shocked not by the taste, but attack and he was sent flying into Isella, knocking her into Sammy.

"Um, Hi! You wanna be friends?" Sammy asked with a giant psycho killer smile.

* * *

Shudders Psycho killer smiles are scary. yeah. Not much to post here, but whatever! Comment!! You know you wanna. winks smarmily and dances around

Fanta theme song plays in the backround

"Wanna Fanta, don't you wanna

Wanna Fanta, don't you wanna

Wanna Fanta, don't you wanna..."

Woot!


	13. Love Me LONG TIME!

"Isella no time for cracker boy!" She yelled as she got up to attack again.

Sammy had a huge smile on his face as he couldn't believe that she didn't explode. He had now fallen in love with her and couldn't take his eyes off of her. Isella let loose her Verbal Abuse Assult at Moon and Jupiter.

"Moon why so fat fat? No one like a fat fat!" Isella said in a mean tone.

"Huh? I'm fat? Why didn't anyone ever tell me?" Moon yelled and screamed, shaking his fist to the sky. Moon started to cry and lost his will to fight.

"Stupid! What are you doing? I thought you knew already," Jupiter trying to comfort Moon said nonchalantly.

"Jupiter you will always be brown and will work at a Jiffy Lube!" Isella attacked Jupiter.

"Huh? Jiffy Lube?! Nooo…!" Jupiter started to cry and fell to his knees. He pulled out a taco and started to sob as he ate it.

Isella laughed as she stood there victorious over the Sexy Soldiers.

Sammy ran from behind the dumpster and shouted, "How can my love say such things? Please give me the power to set her cruel chinky heart free!".

Leche fell from the sky and landed next to Sammy. "Your love for this Asian woman has awoken your powers Sammy. Now take this love stick and transform!"

"Oh! Danny CHAN! We should get a love stick together!" Mercury giggled and blushed.

"Isella! HELP ME!" Dan Dan yelled to no avail.

"Your just afraid of commitment Danny CHAN!" Mercury started to sob again.

Sammy now filled with his love for Isella has given him the strength to fight.

He threw his little transformation wand in to the sky and shouted out, "It's morphin' time! LOVE ME VENUS POWER! LONG TIME!" A burst of bright light swirled around Sammy and Sexy Venus did his pose in front of a giant heart.

"Sexy Soldier of Erotic Level Love! I shall please you with my ways!"

The giant heart behind Venus cracked in half right after his speech.

Isella was now speechless at the sigh of Sexy Venus. "What hell is that!?" She exclaimed and pointed at him.

"Now now, my love we can be together for eternity, just let me love you!" Venus shouted with his hand on his heart. Sparkles filled his eyes and tears ran down his white boy skin.

"NEVER! Me no love you long time! Take this! Verbal Abuse Assault!" Isella shouted fearing for her Chinese girl life.

"You will drive beat up truck and eat mayonnaise for breakfast for rest of your life!"

"How did you know I love mayonnaise and truck driving?" Venus wondered.

Isella was shocked to see that her attack had no effect what so ever. Could her training at CCWU (Ching Chong Wong University), have been for nothing?

Venus saw his chance to catch Isella's heart and let out an attack to ensnare it for sure. Venus licked his lips and with a wink, a magical microphone fell into his hands.

"Saigon Headache! Love Me LONG TIME!"

Venus chanted his love spell to seduce the fortune out of Isella's cookie. Isella saw the attack coming and busted Dan Dan Chan free and threw him to shield herself. Dirty Dan was struck by the love attack head on. His eyes grew bigger, but not by much since he's Asian. Hearts filled his eyes as he stared at Venus.

"My mayonnaise mama! Where have you been hiding this whole time?" Dan squealed as he leapt at Venus.

Mercury screamed at the very sight of Dan flying into Venus's arms. He began to glow with a soft blue hue.

"SNOWMAN SNOWBALLS!" He yelled in anger, trying to prevent his man from falling into Venus' pale cracker hands.

The ground started to rumble and a giant snowman appeared next to Mercury. The Snowman winked, gathering his snowballs and chucking them at Sexy Venus. They didn't really do anything but roll on the ground slowly towards Sexy V. But it worked and Venus bent over to pick up one. Dan Chan flew over Venus and right into the Mexican man on top of Chris. The two collided and there was a giant explosion of rice and beans.

"Look what I made!" Venus said cheerily as he pointed to the snow cone he was holding.

"Oh I want one too!" Moon shouted as he ran over, as did Chris, Jupiter and Leche.

"Mercury has the tastiest snowballs!" Leche squeeled as he licked Mercury's frosty ball.

Isella grabbed the smoldering Dan Dan Chan and vanished with a gong sound.

"Stop licking my balls!" Mercury shouted as he started picked up his other balls lying on the ground. Jupiter shoved a snowball into Mercury's mouth to him shut up.

"Mmm.. Wow! My balls are tasty!" Mercury giggled and sucked on his balls some more.

"But... if my balls tasted this good, then why didn't Danny CHAN what SOME?! WAAAAA!!!!!"

Mercury wailed, sounding like a bunch of seals during mating season.

"Let's just get you tucked in with a Danana and get you to bed," Chris said as he walked Davy back to the shop.

"WOW! I'm a Sexy Soldier! That is so rad man!" Sammy said.

"You wish your were this sexy!" Jupiter said, munching a giant wet burrito.

"Now, now let's not get into an argument on who is the sexiest. Since we already know that I would win," Moon laughed as he licked Davy's ball.

Everyone went back into the fortune shop to decide on who was the sexiest through a series of sexy competitions.

* * *

Back at the mansion of Mistress Oprah and Billy Gates, Dan Dan was in his shower trying to scrub off the dirtiness that he felt that day.

"I thought that I was Dirty Dan. Those Sexy Soldiers are the really dirty ones. Once Mistress Oprah is married she will make me the Prince of Taiwan! HAHAHA!" Dan laughed as he scrubbed off the kiss marks that Davy gave him.

As he showered a couple of dark shadows creped into his room. The shower door flew open! Dan's scream could be heard through out the mansion.

"HI! I'm, like, all sticky again!" Warren G. said as he jumped in the shower with Dan Chan.

"THE HELL YOU ARE! Get out you rainbow tasting Skittle muncher!" Dan yelled out at the sigh of Warren G. and his little brown body next to his.

"Oh, stop, 3D Chan. Like you don't like it like this," he said as he got closer to Dan Chan, wiggling his eyeborws smarmily.

Suddenly the door swung open!

"What is taking you so long?! I need to take a bath!" Quinn C. Monnay shouted as she stood there is her thousand dollar slippers and undies made from endangered panda fur.

"Skank-ho-ass, why don't you just join us then?" Warren said as he turned back at Dan Chan, who was now all red from embarrassment.

"Are you kidding? I need to fill the tub with stem cells so I can soak it all up. Beauty is such a hassle that I almost wished I looked like you Warren G!" Quinn said as she looked at Dan Dan.

The two started to laugh together at Warren G.

"No one wants to look like that!" Dan Chan said as he pointed at Warren G.

"I almost couldn't say it with a straight face!" Quinn C laughed.

"HAHA! Straight face? Not with Warren G. here," Dan chuckled,

"Don't be jealous of my beautiful brown olive colored skin that shimmers in the golden sun's ray!" Warren exclaimed as he lathered soap over his body.

"Shouldn't you be picking strawberries with that olive colored skin?" Quinn C. said as she petted her thousand dollar endangered panda panties. The three continued their little chat through out the night.

* * *

Meanwhile Isella was in her room with her puppet servants.

"S&M! Did you record Mama stories?" Isella shouted as she pointed to the VCR (which she made).

"Yes, Mama. S&M record stories" The twin boy puppets said together.

"Where is Phi Phi? I want some Chinese Sausage! Isella hungry!" She shouted as she made an angry face and rubbed her stomach.

"Phi Phi here now to serve you," he said as he stood there in his waiter outfit on.

"Ohh, come to Mama and take my order!" Isella said as she threw Phi Phi onto the bed.

The rest of the night she spent using her Chi Suck technique to charge up Phi Phi for the next battle.

* * *

Back at the shop everyone was now passed out from the drinking and sexy competitions. Sammy and Alan were passed out and sleeping on Leche, Chris was passed out next to Davy who was holding his Danana doll Chris made for him. But Rich was in the kitchen making a snack when he heard a noise in the back room. He left his chocolate covered hot dog bacon wrapped cheeseburger to investigate. Yeah, right. He took it with him and munched on it as he checked on the noise.

"Oh...my...GOD!! This burger is so damn good!" Rich said as he took another bite, sauce sexily dribbling down his chin.

Rich caught the glimpse of a shadow that ran out the open back door, he gave chase and went out the door. But nothing was there, he turned back around and saw they face of some man dressed in black. Rich was scared and couldn't make a sound. He took another bite of the burger. The man knocked the burger out of Rich's hand.

Rich shouted in horror, "No! what kind of monster are you?! The last bite is the best!"

The dark figure gave Rich a Judo Chop and knocked his sexy ass out cold. In a flash the two disappeared into the night.

* * *

Ha! I personally LOVE this chapter. Isella is probably one of my favorite characters. Her and Sammy. Oh well. Anyway, I hope that, if you actually wanted one, that you got your Fanta! Some good stuff there. Also, please comment! Not that I'm comment monger or anything.

"Isella no time for cracker boy!" Lol. My favorite line. yeah.


	14. An Encounter of the Sexy Kind

The next morning everyone woke up with un-sexy hangovers. Alan woke up with the shock of having Sammy on top of him like some kind of dirty inspired Oreo. He let out a yell and tossed Sammy into the kitchen. Sammy flew into the fridge with a loud white crash.

"Oh, me so hungry long time." Sammy yawned out as he made a mayo milkshake. The milkshake was all cold and creamy with little lumps of mayo floating. It looked like spoiled milk as the chunks splashed over the kitchen counter. He gulped down the white thick concoction and licked off his white mayo milkshake mustache.

"I must celebrate my new friends with a song to show them my appreciation for them not blowing up!"

Sammy jumped with joy as he summoned out his magical microphone of erotic level love. He thought about what song he should sing. As he thought he licked his fingers and then twirled his long blonde hair. After a few hours and a wet microphone later he thought of the perfect song. The microphone rose to his pasty cracker lips, his tongue licked over the cold sores, his lips slowly opened.

"Let's get physical! Physical! I want to make your body talk, body talk!"

Sammy shouted out the song and did his seduction dance that mostly just consisted him of slapping his ass and gyrating his crotch up and down and all around. Everyone woke up in a panic only to behold the sight of Sammy and his native mating call and dance. The only person not to wake to the mating call was Davy. He was still sound asleep, but tossing, turning and speaking in his sleep.

"No… Danny CHAN! Not there, no… Do it like this, yeah, I love the washing machine…"

He moaned and started to rub the Danana doll against his body in pleasure.

Everyone just watched as he continued, "No… not that it won't fit. Ah ohh… chickens? Huh? No…mmmm…"

After about an hour Alan farted out some jalapeño poppers and woke Davy up. Chris checked himself in the mirror and started to brush his hair, but stopped suddenly. He walked back into the room to ask where Rich was. Rich usually was up making breakfast by now and watching his stories. No one had any idea where he had went. Davy looked like he was about to cry, as he would now have no one to have sexy competitions with. Alan tried to comfort him with some words.

"He's probably got kidnapped and probably died from the torture by now," causing Davy's eyes started to fill with tears.

Sammy skipped over and tried next. "I'll be your sexy opponent Davy!"

The he pulled out a strip of bacon and licked it up and down. Chris just slapped Sammy upside the head, and started to dial Rich's number. It rang and rang, but they only got the message.

"You have reached the sexy voice mail of Rich, so leave your bidness and ho ha and begone."

"There's nothing to worry about, Rich is a survivor and know how to handle situations," Leche said trying to calm everyone down.

* * *

"I'll kill myself! I'll burn this Mother F down! If you don't get out of my face!" Rich yelled at the guy who had brought him to some weird mansion. Rich had a knife and a sandwich in his hands. He swung the knife and took a bite of the sandwich at the stranger.

"Okay, just calm down Rich. You want another sandwich? Huh?" the stranger asked.

Rich nodded his head and put the knife down slowly.

"Look! A Cheese platter!" the guy shouted and pointed.

Rich turned away and was tackled by the guy down to the floor. The two wrestled with each other, their clothes were ripped off each other's bodies in a fury. Sweat glistened of their bodies as they rolled around. Suddenly they were in a pool of melted chocolate and whipped cream. Their breaths were heavy with exhaustion and slight arousion. Rich was too distracted by the smell of chocolate and whipped cream and couldn't focus on the sexy struggle.

"Who are you? Why did you bring me to this place?" Rich asked out of breath and stuffing his mouth with the melted chocolate.

"My name is Sir Jacob von Boom Boom, and I only brought you here to talk."

"That's what they all say! You just wanted to dip your egg roll in my plum sauce," Rich cried out and pointed to Jacob's Von Boom.

"No, I would never do that to you my Moon Princess" Jacob said as he stared into Rich's Asian slanted eyes that were brown as Hershey Chocolate Kisses.

"What did you say? How do you know about that?"

"Hush, my Asiatic rice mouse. All in time it shall all be revealed," Boom Boom said as he pressed his finger to Rich's mouth to hush him.

"That's the wrong hole..."

"Huh?"

Rich pushed Jacob off of him, got up and licked the rest of the chocolate off his body, and the rest of the chocolate off Jacob's body.

"What are you doing my round mooned faced princess?" Jacob asked, moaning and shivering in delight.

"I can't let it go to waste!" Rich yelled as he started to lick furiously.

Jacob was shocked and slightly turned on.

"Oh, what is that? Are you hiding a chocolate bar in your pants?" Rich asked as he pointed to the front of Jacob's pants.

Jacob blushed and ran off into the next room and returned with a change of cloths for the two.

Von Boom cleared his throat and was about to talk, but was quickly interrupted by Rich.

"OH MY GOD! What time is it? MY STORIES!"

Rich ran around the room, knocking things over while looking for a TV. He kicked open doors and even kicked the cat, knocking it out the window. He grabbed Jacob by the collar and shook him like a British nanny. Money fell out of Jacob's pockets, Rich stopped to pick the money up and then resumed with the shaking. Now tired and irritated about missing his stories "Asian Delite Love Time," Rich started for the door to leave.

"I can't allow you to leave yet my love," Boom called.

"You need to stop getting all up in my grill, what is all this love talk?" Rich spoke back.

Jacob ran up to Rich and grabbed his beautiful Asian Chinese sausage hands.

"We were once lovers in the past! I am the Prince of the Earth, we were to wed and bring peace to our people!" Boom Boom said as he swung his and Rich's body around the room.

"The hell is wrong with you? I am not a Princes or a Spanish lady, senor, so I'm just gonna go now," Rich said as he inched towards the door.

Von Boom noticed this and leapt at Rich, grabbing him and tossing him onto the bed. Rich was caught off guard, and didn't know what to do. Their eyes met...

"We must join and have a child!"

Rich's eyes exploded open and he grabbed Von Boom Boom by the nuts and tossed him like an empty bag of Cheetos, after he had licked it clean.

"Oh Hell no! You didn't buy me dinner and now you want me to have your babies? I ain't your baby mama!" Rich said angrily.

He held out his hand and shouted out, "Full Moon POWER! MOON ME!" but his transformation pen didn't appear like it usually did. Rich is a frenzy started to knock things over looking for it.

Jacob cleared his throat and held up the Moon Pen in his hands.

"If you want it, come and get it my love."

He smiled and put the pen down his pants.

Rich's face turned red and he started to cartwheel towards Von Boom, he did about two of them then got tired and stopped half way.

Rich thought to himself, 'This one is smarted than the others I have been up against, I need to think up a plan to get him to drop his pants.'

Rich suddendly pulled a gun out from his wallet and shouted, "Drop your pants Mother F! I ain't playing with you boy, Na Uh!".

Jacob's pants exploded off and the Moon Pen flew into Rich's hands, and he made a dash out the door. He was in the middle of a forest on top of a giant mountain in front for a bigass mansion. He could see the city far off in the distance, but now he had no ride.

"Um, excuse me can I trouble you for a ride back to town?" Rich asked Jacob back in the mansion.

"I knew you couldn't go on without my love," Jacob said as he held a rose in his mouth with sparkles in the air around him.

* * *

The two were now in the car on their way back to the town, Jacob turned to Rich.

"Could you reach in my glove compartment?"

"What kind of lady do you take me for?!" Rich asked shocked.

"I was talking about the car's glove compartment" Jacob responded, waggling his eyebrows.

"I never asked to be in any three-ways! Rich said in a huff and turned his head to the side. The car ride was going to be a longer and harder (pun intended) than they both expected.


End file.
